Does Your Man Have "Maggage"?

“Man baggage” ...it’s not your job to carry it

Wouldn’t it be great if we all went into new relationships with a completely clean slate? Think of it: no comparison to past partners, no reminders of bad romances, no issues whatsoever. But it’s not a perfect world and we’ve all experienced external factors influencing our relationships. Dealing with your boy’s baggage shouldn’t be your burden alone.
Cosmo helps you handle his "maggage":




The virgin
Warning signs: Whether or not this guy is actually a virgin, he definitely has just-starting-out performance anxiety. It’s painfully obvious he isn’t sexually confident and sometimes he even apologises for it.

How to deal:
To help your “virgin” feel more relaxed and sure of himself boost his confidence with compliments and gently showing him what you like.
It’s also good to encourage intimacy outside the bedroom. Clinical psychologist John Aiken says affectionate gestures can increase confidence. The more positive experiences you have together, the less anxious he’ll become – and the more willing to learn. “Think of it this way: you could end up with your best-ever lover – a man who really knows how to please you – because you’ve showed him how to press your buttons,” says Aiken. Relationships counsellor Dr Bella Ellwood-Clayton agrees. “There’s something sweet about men who are sexually inexperienced. Take on the role of seductress and, before long, the roles may change.”

The man-child
Warning signs: You know the slacker stoner Seth Rogen plays in just about every film he’s in – from Knocked Up to The 40-Year-Old Virgin to Pineapple Express? That’s this guy. He refuses to grow up and get a “real” job (he’s still working in a sneaker store, like he was at uni) and his definition of a successful relationship is one where you pay the bills and make dinner.

How to deal:
You may be tempted to go through his bachelor pit and throw out all the comic books, video games and empty Doritos packets but before you do, consider this. “The ‘man-child’ is a product of his environment,” says Spierings. “His parents have probably coddled him and often girlfriends continue this pattern. You need to show him that if he wants a life with you, these rules don’t apply.” Give him the space to be responsible for himself and you’ll find he’ll step up to take more control. As Spierings says, “Often the man-child will respond really well to this – they’re only immature because nobody has ever told them they need to take responsibility.”

The heartbroken guy
Warning signs: He’s been cheated on or dumped in a really awful way and now you’re left to pick up the pieces. Unsurprisingly, he’s reluctant to trust again. Sometimes he overreacts about minor issues, like your long-standing platonic friendship with another guy because he tends to relive the betrayal of his last relationship with you, even when he has nothing to worry about.

How to deal:
Just because your guy has been burnt and has the baggage to prove it doesn’t mean you need to pack your bags, says Dr Ellwood-Clayton. The trick is to determine whether he’s ready to move on or if he’s worth waiting for. In the meantime, you need to earn his trust and show him he’s got nothing to be afraid of. “Trust is something you earn,” says Spierings. “Don’t get angry if he’s insecure. Instead, reassure him. Ask how you can make him feel less vulnerable – it could be something as easy as calling him once a day or introducing him to your friends. Be active in showing him you’re trustworthy and, over time, he’ll come around.” Most importantly, adds Aiken, “Don’t dwell on the past or try to be his therapist. This will only reinforce his ‘victim’ status. If he brings up the past, reply by asking him questions like, ‘How can we move on from here?’ and ‘In what ways are we different?’”

The guy with family issues
Warning signs: Either his parents had an ugly divorce or he’s been scarred by bad relationship behaviour he witnessed as a child. And guess what? Now he wants nothing to do with marriage or long-term commitment, even though the two of you seem like a match made in heaven. Lucky you.

How to deal:
This is one situation where aggression will get you nowhere. Rather, says Aiken, you should embrace the casual nature of this relationship. “He’s made it clear he doesn’t want marriage and commitment, so respect it. Never bring up the future or your feelings for him – it gives him too much power. Keep your own friends and interests and don’t be too available. If he ever wants to make a commitment, he’ll come to the decision himself and bring it up with you.” If you’ve been with him for years and are desperate to settle down, Aiken says you need to give him a goal and a deadline. “Tell him you want to settle down, and tell him when you want this to happen,” says Aiken. “If he doesn't do this, or resists, you must leave. Cut off all contact and tell him he can only talk to you again if he's prepared to commit and do things differently. If he comes back, be clear about your expectations of his behaviour and take things slowly. If he doesn’t come back, move on – he was never going to commit in the first place!”

The dad
Warning signs: Erm, he has a kid. With an ex-partner. Both are still part of his life – and always will be – whether you like it or not. A typical Saturday night includes Toy Story DVDs, kid-friendly meals and many, many games of hide and seek (but not the sexy kind).

How to deal:
First thing’s first, says Spierings: when your guy has a kid, you’ll always come second. “Not every woman deals with that well, but you need to accept that if you want to be with him, his child is part of the package,” she adds.
Aiken agrees. “Understand that the child comes first, and don’t demand too much of your partner’s time,” he says. If you’re ready to be a part of his child’s life, take your partner’s cue on everything – from when he wants you to meet the child to how to behave around him or her. Be aware that while it’s not your job to discipline him or her, you can definitely be there for them. “You never have to be the mother, but children need many role models and loved ones, and you can be one of these people,” says Spierings.

The guy with his light on
Warning signs: Has he been engaged or married before? Are all his mates walking down the aisle? Does he talk about “settling down” a lot? Does he want to move in together, even though you’ve only been dating for a few months? This guy is like a cab driver with his light on – he’s available and ready to start moving forward. Right now.

How to deal:
It’s a no-brainer that relationships work best when both partners move at the same pace. Aiken says you must be firm in this case. “Outline specifically which of his behaviours are too intense, like pushing you to meet his family and friends or wanting to see you all the time. Then tell him how you would like the relationship to function. Be direct – tell him how often you want to see him, ring him and text him, and how fast you’d like things to progress. Explain your expectations.” If he really likes you, he’ll respect your wishes and wait for you. And, as Spierings notes, “If he can’t wait, you’ve got to wonder, why is getting married more important than being in a relationship?”

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