ST. PATRICK'S DAY SURVIVAL TIPS

Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action: Have yourself chained to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault: You are dancing on the table. Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear. Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault: You have been in a fight. Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. Fault: The beer is too weak. Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. Fault: Beer is just right. Action: Play air guitar.

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